Just thinking

"You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place." 

- Miriam Adeney 

I have found this quote a few weeks ago and it explains exactly how I feel. When I returned to Germany last year, I was excited and thrilled to be back. After only seeing my family and friends sporadically for the 10 years that I lived abroad, I am exited to spend more time with family and friends, sharing important moments in each others lives and mundane details like getting coffee on a Saturday morning or cooking together. I am exited and grateful about the warmer climate that Germany has during the summer compared to chilly Newcastle, as it enables me to spend more time being the backyard farmer I would love to be. Despite all the excitement and gratitude about being 'home', the desire to leave (again) is as strong as ever. I really want to settle down and ground myself in a community, that enables me to live the 'Simple Life' that I am graving for, yet at the same time, I am thinking I can also do this abroad in Newcastle. 

This quote made me realize that what I am feeling is natural due spending so much time abroad. Meeting amazing people that impacted my way one way or another, making friends and best friends that will last a life time, means that I will never truly be at home anywhere. It's a constant pulling back and forth and despite knowing this, I am already thinking about returning to Newcastle for good one day. Most likely not for a good few years but still.... 

It often scares me that I feel this way and I keep wondering what is wrong with me. Right now I am exited to be going back to Newcastle in a few weeks. I am exited to spend time with my best friend and her family. I am exited to see my cousin in a few weeks time, who just arrived back in the UK for a 6 week holiday from New Zealand. 

But I am also scared, I can remember how homesick I felt after I returned from my Au pair year in the US, how depressed I became afterwards and how long it took to actually 'get over it'. Yes I am 10 years older now and more mature but since I am returned to Germany, there are the odd days that I again feel like that girl. And it all drills down to the fact that due to the people I know all over the world, my heart will always be elsewhere.....